First off I want to relieve your fears that you probably don’t or at least I hope you don’t have AIDS.

When I came home 3 days ago I heard what was obviously mediocre sex going on in my bedroom. Since I quickly made the deduction that someone had probably not broken into my apartment for some quick copulation I figured I had just caught my wife cheating on me which I had long suspected. Your ofish grunts were so loud that I actually had to reopen the door and slam it again for you two to hear me. I stood in the entry for a while as I heard you both scramble before calling out that I was home.

When I walked into the bedroom my wife had some excuse about having a headache and when asked about the nighty she was wearing she said it was the most comfortable thing she could find. Oh…and btw, I don’t know how many affairs that you participate in but a word of advice is that when you hide in the closest from an angry husbands you shouldn’t leave a few toes hanging out from under the door. At this point I am in a bit of a predicament…. I could have the typical masculine response and open the door and beat the piss out of you but then you might file charges and quite frankly I just don’t really care enough. Not to mention I don’t know how big you are and I couldn’t think of anything much worse than finding your wife cheating on you and then get pummeled by her new lover. It entered my mind to have some marathon sex and make you stand and watch the whole thing but seeing how she is a dirty whore the idea grossed me out a little. I came pretty close to just hanging out and masterbating but I am glad I went the direction I did.

So in liue of those options I thought of the funniest thing I could do for my own personal amusement. I sat her down on the bed and looked deeply in her eyes and told her that I had been diagnosed with early stages of AIDS. Recently I have had a series of colds and went to the doctor who told me it was probably just a string of bad luck and it was going around a little bit. The whole thing took about 2 hours and involved a lot of yelling, accusing and crying.

I felt like I hadn’t punished you quite enough, even though I fully acknowledge that it really isn’t your fault at all, so I told her that the illness was making me tired so I needed to lay down. I could hear her on the phone making an appointment with the doctor and I could hear you rustling around in the closest. You did a great job holding still seeing how you probably aren’t used to standing in a 3′x4′ closest for hours and hours on end but if I hadn’t already known you were there you would have been caught for sure.

After about another hour of laying in bed thinking of what I was going to do I felt sorry for you to be mixed up in this crazy thing so I said I was going to go fill the prescriptions the doctor gave me and left the apartment so you could leave. I hope that you weren’t too uncomfortable in there and actually felt a little guilty about it later.

Anyways, I put this in missed connections because I actually wouldn’t mind taking you out and buying you a drink. After all that is some funny stuff to laugh about and you are saving me thousands in alimony since my wife cheated and the least I can do is repay you for a $4.00 beer.

Again no hard feelings and best of luck!

BTW, you might still want to get your self tested since my wife is a dirty whore.

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Now, Some detractors may say, “but Mr. Smarmy, why would you want to pay your money to help them…they put themselves into this situation, shouldn’t they pay for it?” Well, Mr detractor, yes, technically, if I were a purely Capitalist minded self-interested rational individual, then these fat gas bags should die the horrible deaths they have been working towards for all these years. But fortunately for them, I am not that type of person and let me tell you a little bit about why.

Some might say that the socialized medicine (it’s really more like socialized insurance rather than medicine…doctors and hospitals will still be privately run…duh!) plan/s currently causing so much embarrassment for America are evil and that medical insurance should remain in the hands of profiteering private entities. Here’s why I have a problem with that. Some uneducated dumb shits will say that since health care is not a right, as it is not specifically mentioned in the constitution, that the government has no right to offer it as a service. OK, fair enough, but what are our rights? We’ll just take the top three: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Life. Well, if your sick and or dead because of an illness…umm…you really can’t have life can you? Life isn’t just life for life’s sake. There are certain preconditions for these things you know. I mean, in order to have life, in the most basic sense, you have to start out with sex (now we’re talking)! Then of course, there’s nurturing (parenting), food, water, shelter, love, etc. All of these things are just some of the necessary prerequisites for a sustained and happy (what’s the third right doing in here?) life (well, at least until you are 18, they you’re on your own). Now, it may not be obvious to some, so conservatives try to sick with me here, but if you don’t have health…it makes a sustained and happy life somewhat difficult. And thinking about health care in the 1700′s (blood letting, faith healing…ohh that one is still around, etc.), can you really blame them?

Liberty. Ahh…good old freedom of action! Well, tell me, how much liberty to pursue your life and happiness do you have when you have a urinary tract infection or severe anal hemorrhoids (as I’m sure most fat white dudes have) or cancer or epilepsy or seizures or spina bifida or crohn’s disease? Meh, easy stuff right? Being constrained to a bed or wheelchair with hardly enough energy to talk and in so much pain you think bamboo shoots in the fingernails would be a vacation…that wouldn’t be an affront to your freedom of action right? Now, you white folks are tougher than that, and so should everyone else.

Happiness. Eh, just read the above two, you get the idea.

Now, I’ve heard the argument that by keeping health insurance a free market and reducing government regulations, market principles would lower costs and provide all the fixing the industry needs. Alright, I’m going to need some strength for this one so let take a quick puff of my medical marijuana….ok. Yes, the principles of macroeconomics and the free-market do say these things. Problem solved right? Not really. Macroeconomic theory, like many other academic disciplines, work of assumptions. The assumptions of free-market capitalism are that there is healthy competition, the costs of entry into the market are relatively low, the cost of a customer moving to another provider is not unduly burdensome (I don’t remember the technical term here), information symmetry, and rational decision making (there are probably more assumptions but fuck it, I’m not an economist).

Tell me, how many of these assumptions are meet in the health insurance market? NONE! There is little to no competition in the market. We have what might be called a cartel of a few service providers fixing artificially high prices for their services. Good luck trying to move to competitor…there are none…especially when the only way for someone with a preexisting condition to get coverage is through an employer who makes you pick the plans that are the cheapest for them. Information symmetry…HA! Much of profit is driven by information ASYMMETRY!!! Rational decision making…well, our decisions can’t be rational if we don’t truly have a choice.

So back to my pale skinned fat fellows. You can count on me to be there to support your disgusting lifestyle and utter lack of regard and compassion for your fellow human beings! Don’t let people tell you what you should or should not eat, or that you should exercise, or that you could use some sun…no, that would telling you how to live your life and that’s just unamerican! Thus, if all goes according to plan, I will be contributing to your health care. After all, someone educated has to look after you dumb asses.

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I don’t think she’ll be back anytime soon.

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If you are born black, brown, or a darker shade of yellow…and poor, then that just means you have to work harder to be a success. And if by some chance you can simultaneously cast off your culture, social pressures, racism, prejudice, and class to become a moderate success, don’t forget that you will still be taking it up the ass because…well, you weren’t born into it and…oh yea, you look (and act, eat, smell, and think) different. Sorry, that’s just the way we do it here. Viva la Capitalism! Long live Faux News and fuck the government because they have NEVER done anything right (you’re a fucking tool)! Who needs education anyway…as long as you are making money, why think? We’ll do that for you.

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Mac hard drive removal and repair done right! Who knew Ice-T was a Mac genius?

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